


The Heart Wants What It Wants

by alyuchiha913



Category: Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers: Prime
Genre: Abuse, Abuse of Authority, Angst, Dubious Consent, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Physical Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Songfic, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-30
Updated: 2015-03-30
Packaged: 2018-03-20 08:39:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3643812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alyuchiha913/pseuds/alyuchiha913
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Starscream gazed into the cold, furious optics of the one he had dedicated his life to – the only mech his spark had ever wanted – and smiled sadly. Nothing mattered any more. Nothing he had done had ever truly mattered. </p><p>"There's a million reasons why I should give you up, but the heart wants what it wants."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Heart Wants What It Wants

**Author's Note:**

> Canon-AU  
> ~ Altered events based on canon plot-lines  
> ~ References to events in Transformers Exodus
> 
> Song Lyrics: The Heart Wants What It Wants - Selena Gomez  
> ~ Lyrics include the spoken introduction as heard in the official music video for the song.  
> ~ Lyrics are not used in chronological order
> 
> Song lyrics are in **_bold italics_**  
>  Flashbacks are in _italics_  
>  Current happenings are in regular text.
> 
> ~ Events are not always in chronological order. These are meant to be glimpses into ambiguous moments throughout Starscream's history with Megatron.
> 
> Disclaimer: I never would have thought of giant alien robots coming to earth, so I definitely don't own Transformers.  
> 

**I was in pain…**

_“Star, you have to stop this.”_

_Starscream ex-vented tiredly, struggling to cool his heated systems. He was so angry…so very angry; but he was also hurt, confused, and utterly exhausted. It was all too much to deal with. He tried to ignore Thundercracker’s words as he leaned into his trine-mates’ touches, allowing them to caress and massage his wings in an attempt to soothe him._

_“He’s not worth it, Star. Look at the way he treats you.”_

_  
**Save your advice 'cause I won't hear** _

_  
“Shut up!”_

_He shrugged his trine-mates off him vigorously, whirling on them defensively; wings swept high and trembling in his anger. He knew where this conversation was going, and he did not want to hear it. It was becoming a routine, and he was beginning to despise it. He hated their pity. He hated their judgment. He hated having to explain himself, and most of all, he hated having to defend the one who kept causing him such anguish._

**_  
You might be right but I don't care_ **

_  
“Starscream…”_

_“I don’t want to hear it!” he shrieked indignantly. “I can’t…”_

_He slumped to the floor in an undignified heap, wrapping his arms around himself; wings now drooping as a sob escaped him at last…followed by another, and another, then several more, until he was a weeping mess on the floor, and Thundercracker and Skywarp were reaching out to comfort him once again._

**_  
I felt like I know him, and I know his heart…_ **

  
When he had joined Megatron, he had admired the enterprising gladiator; his cause was something they all related to and could believe in – he had promised them a free Cybertron – equality for all. Starscream had admired the passion with which Megatron fought for his goals. He had fallen for his charismatic guile, and the way he impassioned others to join his cause. He had believed in him. He had revered him. He had adored him. Before he knew it, he had fallen in ways he had never expected to, but he’d embraced it wholeheartedly because he had _trusted_ him.

**_  
But I didn’t realize that I was feeling so confident and feeling so great about myself_ **

_  
You did well today, Starscream.”_

_His spark soared at the words of praise. He had been working diligently to earn Megatron’s approval, wanting nothing more than to be appreciated by the magnificent gladiator._

Things had been going well for the Decepticon army lately. They had taken control of most of Cybertron, slowly, but surely, marking their way to total victory. Starscream was especially pleased, because his Seekers had played a tremendous role in the Decepticons’ latest victories, thus proving the Air Command’s value to Lord Megatron. He was now second-in-command of the Decepticon army – a position he’d coveted from the moment he had joined Megatron’s cause, and one he worked extremely hard to earn.

**_  
And then it would just be completely shattered by one thing_ **

  
He had been so caught up in his own victories that he didn’t realize that he was being used; he had failed to notice the signs of the betrayal until it was too late.

_“Lord Starscream, we’ve just received confirmation: Vos has fallen.”_

_His beloved city and his people...an entire culture…all gone in an instant._

Starscream knew of the rumors and suspicions amongst his Seekers. He’d had to quell many a debate over it, and had even lost some of his Seekers to the Autobots because of it, but he refused to believe. It couldn’t be true.

_“…Shockwave ordered the attack…”_

Had they really been betrayed by the ones they were fighting for? Starscream tried his hardest to ignore it all, focusing instead on keeping his forces united so that they could fight more efficiently to win this accursed war. He threw himself into his work to keep his processor occupied. He didn’t want to believe what was becoming more and more obvious the longer the war went on.

**_  
…and I know what he wouldn’t do to hurt me_ **

  
He didn’t want to believe what he knew in his spark was true – that the one he cared for so deeply would betray him in such a manner.

_“…Lord Megatron approved…”_

It couldn’t be true.

**_  
But then you make me feel crazy; make me feel like it’s my fault_ **

_  
“Starscream, you fool!”_

_He stared up at the massive warlord, his expression a mixture of shock and betrayal, but before he could say anything, Megatron struck him again, sending him flying across the command centre. Starscream groaned as he struggled to right himself, his entire frame aching from the force of Megatron’s blow; but it was nothing compared to the ache in his spark at being so sorely mistreated by the one he had dedicated himself to. He knew why Megatron was angry – the Decepticon’s latest energon raid had failed due to a miscalculation in the attack plan – but Starscream didn’t understand why he was being punished so severely for the failure. He had, after all, pointed out the fault in Megatron’s plan beforehand, but his leader had ignored him._

Starscream scowled as he made his way from the med-bay back to his quarters. He had endured yet another of Megatron’s beatings earlier and it had left him in a sour mood. His injuries had been superbly repaired, but nothing could be done to ease the ache in his spark. He hated that no matter what Megatron did to him, he couldn’t stop himself from caring for the gladiator-turned-revolutionary-turned-warlord. He was drawn to his leader like metal to a magnet. No matter how much he tried to despise Megatron for all the agony he had inflicted on him over the vorns, his spark still longed for him. He was utterly, hopelessly in love with the merciless tyrant, and he was beginning to hate himself for it.

**_  
I know I'm acting a bit crazy_ **

_  
“He destroyed our home!”_

_Starscream ex-vented in frustration as Thundercracker continued with another argument against remaining with the Decepticons. His more level-headed trine-mate was of the intense persuasion that Megatron was involved with the incident of Vos’ destruction, and that they should no longer follow someone who would so blatantly betray them. Starscream, however, refused to listen to his advice. It was causing a strain on his trine, with Skywarp stuck in the middle. Deep in his spark, Starscream knew that Thundercracker was right, but he couldn’t bring himself to admit it._

_“He doesn’t deserve our support, Star.”_

_“We’re not leaving him,” Starscream responded stubbornly._

**_  
Strung out, a little bit hazy_ **

_  
“Why do you still insist on following him?”_

It was a question Starscream had never known how to answer without having his trine-mates think that he had utterly lost it. He had followed Megatron for so long that it had become his sole desire. What would he be if he wasn’t the Decepticon second-in-command? It was the position he had sought after and worked towards with all his might so that he could be close to the one he admired so greatly. For so long, he had lived for Megatron’s praise and approval. The charismatic warlord had drawn him in so deep that he could no longer see an existence without him.

He _needed_ him.

**_  
Heroin drip, no more so_ **

_  
“Because I love him.”_

_Stunned silence filled the room as his trine-mates simply stared at him. They had finally forced him to admit what he’d been trying to ignore for vorns. Starscream said nothing more, fidgeting and twitching his wings nervously under their intense gazes, until at last, Thundercracker spoke._

_“Star…why?”_

_Starscream shook his helm at the question. It was one he had asked himself repeatedly ever since Megatron’s first betrayal._

_He still could not answer it._

**_  
Finding a way to let go_ **

  
 “You dare betray me?”

A deadly servo curled around Starscream’s neck, hoisting him off the ground unapologetically, while the other gripped the edge of a wing harshly, before making its way down his chassis, clawing and scratching mercilessly.

“You’re mine Starscream,” came the rumbling growl as Megatron tightened the servo on Starscream’s neck; the other continuing its torturous path downwards.

_Clawed servos caressed, stroked, and pinched delicate wings, lighting up sensor-nets in their wake. Starscream whimpered and shuddered under the other’s ministrations, allowing his master to have his way with him. It seemed Megatron had a weakness for Seekers, and Starscream was only too happy to be the one to oblige him._

**_  
Baby, baby, no, I can’t escape_ **

_  
“Mine,” Megatron growled, laying claim to the exquisite Seeker beneath him._

_Starscream’s spark practically leaped as he arched beneath the massive warlord, entangling himself around him, gripping tightly; never wanting to let go. He relished at the idea of being the object of Megatron’s desire, and he cried out his pleasure exuberantly as let his lord claim him thoroughly, deliciously, repeatedly, until they were both spent._

Starscream grit his denta against an agonized groan as those claws found their destination and thrust in ruthlessly, plunging and plundering, igniting sensor nodes, sending bolts of pain interlaced with trace amounts of pleasure through his systems. He fought against the urge to struggle, as he knew that this would only increase the onslaught, but he could no longer hold back his cries as Megatron entered him brutally, and he was pounded mercilessly into the wall behind him.

“Don’t you ever forget who you belong to!”

It was the last thing he remembered hearing before waking up in the med-bay once more.

**_  
You got me scattered in pieces_ **

_  
“I tire of your failures, Starscream.”_

_Starscream flinched at the menacing tone and instinctively backed away from its source, his wings lowering in his fright. He knew what was coming – he was more than used to it by now. Still, that didn’t make it any less painful._

_“Master, please…”_

A trail of energon streaked behind Starscream as he limped his way to the med-bay. Scrapes and dents littered his frame, there was a gash in one of his wings, and the other hung almost limply behind him. He stumbled and almost fell, and for a moment he almost believed that he was not going to make it. Briefly, he considered simply giving up, but he steeled himself and continued moving forward. He had to survive and become stronger; he had to show Megatron that he was more capable than he was given credit to be. He had to show him that he was not a failure.

**_  
Shining like stars and screaming_ **

_  
“You and your Seekers did well, Starscream.”_

_Starscream could barely contain the flutter of his wings at the words of praise. Megatron very rarely commended him for anything, so even the slightest compliment set his wings quivering and his spark humming exuberantly in his chest._

A resounding clang rang through the command centre, followed by a piercing scream. Every mech on the Nemesis within hearing distance knew what was happening without even taking the time to look.

“You insolent fool!”

Starscream produced an even more deafening scream than the previous one as Megatron lifted him by one of his wings and heaved him across the command centre. His cries could be heard echoing even in the furthest reaches of the Nemesis, as Megatron continued his enraged assault.

“Master, please! I was only trying to please you!”

**_  
Lighting me up like Venus_ **

_  
Wanton cries filled the room as Starscream writhed beneath his beloved master. Every movement Megatron made lit the over-stimulated Seeker on fire, and he made his bliss known with each arousing sound that slipped from his vocaliser. His entire frame burned with desire, and he lost himself in the sensations the other’s touch ignited within him, no longer knowing the difference between pleasure and pain as the two merged in an erotic combination that left him crying out for more._

_“Beautiful.”_

_Spark fluttering at the tender compliment, Starscream clung tighter to his lover, delighting in the other’s low moans of approval as he dug his claws under thick plating, caressing the sensitive circuitry beneath._

_“Yours,” he murmured breathlessly in response, just as Megatron bit down into his neck cables._

_“All yours.”_

**_  
But then you disappear and make me wait_ **

  
Starscream paced the bridge restlessly as he half-listened to Soundwave’s latest report. It had been years since Megatron had gone off into space, leaving him in charge, and though he relished the idea that his master had trusted him to lead in his absence, he was growing increasingly agitated over Megatron’s prolonged truancy with each passing day. He tried his best to hide his mounting nervousness by throwing himself into his work, doing his best to make sure that everything continued to run smoothly upon the Nemesis. This was his chance to finally show his master that he was not a useless failure, and that he was capable as both a warrior and a leader. He had to remind Megatron why he had chosen Starscream as his second-in-command so many eons ago; in the years when he had been enraptured with the charismatic gladiator; in the years before his beloved leader had become a tyrannical, abusive warlord – before Megatron had started using Starscream as his punching bag.

**_  
And every second's like torture_ **

_  
Leading the Decepticons on his own had proven to be a much more difficult task than Starscream had ever imagined, but he managed, despite the many problems that arose on a regular basis. However, none of the pressures of leadership could distract him from the growing anxiety in his spark over how long his lord had been away. Even the sheer relief he felt at not having to constantly worry about upsetting Megatron and getting beaten for it was not enough to outweigh the tremendous longing Starscream felt in his spark over his master’s absence. He hated that Megatron could have such a hold on him even when he wasn’t there, but most of all, he hated himself for feeling this way._

“Are you certain it’s him?”

He could barely control his emotions upon hearing Soundwave’s report. Was Megatron really back? Soundwave pinged an affirmative, and Starscream found himself battling conflicting feelings upon the news. On the one hand, his spark thrummed ecstatically at the prospect of his lord and master returning safely at long last, but on the other hand, he dreaded returning to the routine of abuse he had been free from while his leader had been away. He could only hope that things would somehow be different upon his master’s return.

**_  
I’m hoping that I’ll survive…_ **

_  
“You treacherous fool!”_

_Starscream trembled under the furious gaze Megatron pinned him with. This wasn’t how things were supposed to have turned out. He had only been trying to remain in his master’s good graces, but his plan had failed miserably, and now instead of basking in praise as he’d been anticipating, he was groveling for mercy instead._

_“F-Forgive me, my liege! I only wanted--”_

_“Silence!”_

**_  
…praying that I'm gonna make it out alive_ **

_  
A reverberating crash and a sickening crunch was all anyone in the command centre heard before Starscream’s audial-shattering shriek of agony resonated throughout the entire ship, stopping every single mech in their tracks. In all the millennia this routine had gone on aboard the Nemesis, never before had anyone heard the Decepticon second-in-command make such a sound. The horrifying screeches continued as the crunching sound grew worse, until finally, Starscream collapsed in a broken, wailing heap; his mangled wings flopping uselessly on the floor behind him._

Starscream on-lined his optics to find himself in the med-bay yet again. He had lost track of the number of times he’d awoken in this room, but he’d been there so often that he had every inch of it memorized. He sat up slowly and turned to meet Knock Out’s gaze, and immediately he knew what the other was about to say. He’d heard it so many times before.

_“You can’t keep this up, Starscream.”_

**_  
Save your advice 'cause I won't hear_ **

_  
“Star, this needs to stop.”_

_“We’re worried about you…”_

He shook his helm, pushing aside the memories of his trine-mates. They were no longer here to judge him…or to comfort him. Clenching his servos and frowning bitterly, he returned his gaze to the only semblance of a friend he had remaining on the Nemesis. Knock Out looked at him with the same sternness and concern Thundercracker had shown him so often before, but did not voice his thoughts because there was no need to. It had all been said countless times before. The doctor gazed at him in silence for a moment, and then in a rare show of compassion, he approached the Seeker and let his hands hover over the silver wings in a wordless offer. Starscream regarded him expressionlessly for a brief moment before nodding slightly, granting his permission, then he was relaxing into the other’s touch as Knock Out massaged his aching wings gently, much like his trine-mates used to in the distant past.

_“You can’t keep doing this…”_

**_  
You might be right but I don’t care_ **

_  
“He won’t stop.”_

A single tear slid down the Seeker’s faceplate, slowly followed by another, and another, and yet another, until he was soon sobbing hopelessly, helm in his servos; and he didn’t even care that he was showing weakness in front of Knock Out, because really, the medic had seen him in so many terrible states, surely this could be no worse. So Starscream allowed himself to express his sorrow as Knock Out continued to caress and massage his wings and back soothingly; and they stayed this way until Starscream drifted into recharge, and Knockout simply lowered him back onto the berth and remained in the med-bay, watching over the tortured Seeker as he rested.

**_  
But I can't imagine a life without breathless moments_ **

_  
Starscream smiled contentedly as he gazed at the sleeping face of his lover. Megatron looked so peaceful during recharge that it was almost easy to forget that he was a menacing tyrant when he was awake. Almost. Frowning, Starscream shook the thought from processor as he rested his helm on his master’s chest, listening to the calming sparkbeat within. He relished in these rare moments of serenity – it was all that kept him going in his tortured existence. Ex-venting tiredly, forced the thoughts of his suffering and misery from his processor, and focused on enjoying the tranquility of the present moment. As he slowly slipped into recharge once more, Starscream couldn’t help but wish that things could always be this way._

**_  
Breaking me down, down, down_ **

_  
When he awoke, his love was gone, and Starscream wrapped his arms around himself in an attempt to soothe the ache in his spark. Just once, he wished he would awake to find his love still with him. Just once. He knew it would never happen – his master saw him as nothing more than an easy frag – but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t keep himself from hoping that things could change. He loathed himself for being so weak._

“Your failures no longer amuse me, Starscream.”

The fusion canon hummed to life and Starscream panicked. He dropped to his knees into a low bow, helm on the ground, and wings at their lowest possible position.

“My liege, please…”

**_  
There's a million reasons why I should give you up_ **

  
 “You usefulness has expired, Starscream. You’ve hit rock bottom.”

A spiked pede pressed into his helm, and Starscream whimpered pitifully, the metal of his helm groaning in protest at the pressure being placed on it. The thought that Megatron was truly going to kill him settled in his processor, and he trembled fearfully, wings shivering violently as he pleaded desperately for his life.

“Please, master, I beg of you, give me one more chance!”

“You have received more chances for redemption than anyone in Decepticon history!”

Starscream winced at Megatron’s words, and shuddered as the pede lifted, only to be replaced by the tip of the canon pressing against his helm menacingly. For once, he was at a loss for words. He could think of nothing more to say or do to appease the livid warlord. His efforts over the vorns to please his master had all been rebuffed – all being viewed as failure, time and time again – and Starscream had had enough. He was so tired of constantly having to grovel for his life; always having to prove his worth to the one who meant everything to him, only to be deemed as worthless. He wasn’t even sure if any of this was worth it anymore.

_“You deserve better than this, Star.”_

**_  
But the heart wants what it wants_ **

_  
A sob escaped him at his trine-mate’s words, and he struggled to force back the tears that wanted to fall. He knew that Thundercracker was right – he knew that he should just give up and move on, but he couldn’t. He didn’t want to. He wanted to believe that Megatron could be better – that things could change – that the day would come when he wouldn’t be beaten to a pulp for trying to do his job. He wanted to believe that the mech he had fallen for vorns ago was still alive within the tyrant. He needed to believe it._

_“Star, this isn’t worth it. He’ll never change.”_

_“I love him!”_

_“He’ll never love you Starscream! He isn’t capable of it.”_

_“You don’t know that!”_

“Well, Starscream, any last words?”

The fusion canon burned against his helm, and the realization hit him…no, the acceptance sunk in. His trine-mates had been right. He knew it now. He had always known. They had been right all along.

**_  
This is a modern fairytale_ **

  
Spark twisting in agony, Starscream dug his claws into the ground as he looked up at the barrel of the fusion cannon before him, then at the face of the one it belonged to – his lord and master; his lover and abuser. He thought of what he could say to alleviate Megatron’s wrath, and thought of what would happen if he survived this encounter. Scenario after scenario flashed through his processor, but they all inevitably ended here, with him on his knees with a charged fusion canon aimed at his head. Nothing would ever change, no matter how hard he tried.

He would never be enough.

_“He’s not worth it…”_

**_  
No happy endings_ **

  
The pain in his spark increased exponentially as he finally acknowledged what he had known but had refused to believe all along. Shuttering his optics, he allowed his repressed tears to fall freely, letting out vorns of suffering and frustration in the face of his demise – no longer caring about showing his lord weakness. It didn’t matter either way. It was over. He accepted that now. All his efforts had been in vain.

A low growl was all the warning he got before Megatron dragged him up by his helm and slammed him into the nearby wall; the fusion canon now aimed at his spark chamber.

“You will answer me when I ask a question, you worthless fool!”

**_  
But the heart wants what it wants_ **

  
Starscream gazed into the cold, furious optics of the one he had dedicated his life to – the only mech his spark had ever wanted – and smiled sadly, the tears still streaming down his faceplates; spark burning with the resignation that his efforts had never mattered. Nothing he had done had ever truly mattered.

 _He_ had never mattered.

Finally accepting his failure, he lifted his servos to grip the charged weapon pointed at him, and pressed it directly to his chestplates. Shuttering his optics once more, he smiled bitterly as he spoke at last.

**_  
But the heart wants what it wants_ **

_  
‘I love you.’_

 “Kill me.”

 

**~End~**

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I know, that ending was downright depressing. When I first started writing this, I never imagined that it would lead to an ending like this, but it is what it is, and I'm pleased with it.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask. 
> 
> Constructive criticism is appreciated!


End file.
